Steps

1. Try to see your ex through their eyes — as their mother/father.
2. Remember that you will probably have to deal with your ex for the rest of their dependent lives. Try to make the best of it.
3. Envision a happy life and healthy future for them.
4. Think of the benefits of the divorce — such as parents being happier apart and less fighting.
5. Talk with your ex about continuing toward the original goals you shared in having children.
6. Broach the divorce to the children together, if your ex is willing.
7. Encourage them to tell you how they feel about it.
8. Do not take their anger personally.
9. Try to maintain discipline using the same rules and structure
   as prior to the divorce, unless those rules and structures were a cause
   for the divorce.
10. Spoil them with attention, not things.

Tips

• Accept your ex’s limitations.
• Expect bad behavior from your children.
• Remember to tell your children that you love them and always will, even when you’re angry.
• Scientific studies show that the #1 cause of maladjusted kids
  is conflict between the parents. Even if your marital/romantic
  relationship has ended, you need to be partners in parenting for the
  sake of the children both of you love.
• try to tell your children the truth, they will find it out
  eventually and resent you for any lies no matter how well intentioned
  they were.
• Put as much effort into your relationship with your ex as you would if you were together. be good exes, it can work with work.
• remember when you embark on divorce that you will have to deal
  with your kids relationship to any other person you have a relationship
  with. It is not easy, it takes a special person to deal step children.
  you, as a woman, will probably be alone until your kids leave home.Then
  you will be an older woman and all that stuff is much harder.
  Meanwhiles,your ex will not have that problem and he will settle down
  and have more kids. If you think that you can handle this and still be
  friends with him go for it. If not patch up that relationship cos, if
  you can both work on it, it might just make life nicer.
• put serious work into making your relationship with your ex
  work. your kids feelings are more imortant than your silly point
  scoring. Share present giving so there is no competition.give 50/ 50
  money to Christmas and birthdays despite anything. do not give your
  child anything to resent you for. they will find plenty when they are
  teenagers no matter what you do.

Warnings

• Don’t badmouth your ex in front of your children
• If you do badmouth your ex, apologize to them
• Don’t use your children to get back at your ex; your children
  love both of you the same, using them against your ex, is like having
  them choose which parent they love the most.
• Most of the time, in divorce situations, somehow the children
  are overlooked, almost forgotten. The adults are so wrapped up in who
  gets what, that they don’t realize how bad they are hurting their
  child(ren). Be sure to explain to your child, that they are still loved
  by both of you, and don’t fight or argue in front of them. Be an adult
  in this situation, and be strong for your child.

Steps

1. BELIEVE that you have choices.
2. Think about where you want to go and what you want to do.
   Have a plan. It’s not wrong to have dreams and believe you’re worth
   having a good life. Break it down into manageable steps: the short term
   (getting away safely) and the longer term (getting a decent job,
   whatever…).
3. Find a shelter or women’s center with people who can counsel
   you discreetly. Some places will help you even if you have children,
   but most will at least be conduits to other agencies who can help. They
   may be able to put you onto Legal Aid sources who can get you a lawyer.
   They will know about job training programs if you need one. They may be
   able to help with childcare or a transitional residence where you’ll be
   away and safe.
4. Prepare without telling your husband or anyone who might
   tell him. Be smart enough to not even give him subtle clues. Don’t
   circle the shelter’s phone number and leave it by the phone! If you
   look up a place online, be sure to delete it from your History file
   before you log off.
5. Get counseling. The shelter/women’s centers will have leads
   on that too. When you’re abused, your self-esteem is so wrecked that
   your reasoning is flawed. You need to listen to someone who knows about
   such things and be prepared to take their advice. Sure, even those
   people make mistakes sometimes, but you must learn to put your own
   welfare #1 on the list and that means letting go of what the abuser has
   “sold” you to keep you under his thumb. Don’t let him take over your
   life.
6. Remember that this is YOUR life that is at stake. If he’s
   physically abusive, it’s well established that the levels of violence
   will escalate. Sure, he promises it will never happen again, and you
   have a nice time for a bit, but the cycles ALWAYS repeat themselves.
   After a beating you might end up permanently scarred or brain-damaged
   or maimed or even dead. What use will his promises be then?

Tips

• Tell a friend about the abuse and have a code so they know when to call the police.
• If you have family you trust to help, enlist their aid too.
  You may be ashamed of your choices and reluctant to ask for help, but
  ask anyhow. If they can’t or won’t help, don’t let that stop you.
• Make sure you have a list of important numbers in your
  wallet, or store important information on a Yahoo! (or similar) account
  where you can reach it anywhere. Assume you won’t be able to go back
  home to pick up anything once you make the break.
• Have a friend or family member (outside of the home) keep a
  calender to record what happens. Show them if you have bruises and
  don’t hide it. This is what really tells the jury what is happening.
• Be realistic. Take responsibility. Don’t be a victim. Believe
  in yourself: seek out professional counseling with a psychologist, you
  can learn new ways to live and recover. Give yourself time.
• It will go easier if you leave with a plan, a place to go
  already lined up, etc. BUT if you feel as if you’re in danger, don’t
  hesitate, RUN!

Warnings

• Even if you believe that your abuser loves you, and you love
  him, the only solution is to remove yourself from the situation. You do
  not “fix” abusers.
• Call the police if you’re physically abused. First, you need
  to establish a record of the abuse. The authorities also know where you
  can go to get away. NEVER put up with violence. It always escalates and
  women do die.
• Your life won’t be perfect after you get away. In the USA we
  do not take care of our own particularly well. Social programs struggle
  to stay afloat. You may not be able to live financially the way you
  used to. But you will LIVE.

Related Tips and Steps

• How to Choose the Right Divorce Lawyer
• How to Handle Divorce Anger
• How to Survive a Divorce
• How to Deal With Your Parents’ Divorce

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