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How to Decide Who Gets the Pet in a Divorce

admin — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:56:15 +0000

How to Decide Who Gets the Pet in a Divorce

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

More than half of all marriages end in divorce, and, aside from child custody battles, few decisions can be tougher than determining the custody of the family pet. Believe it or not, pet visitation rights and “pet support” are not unique in a divorce court. Learn how judges determine pet custody and how you can take steps to avoid losing your pet if you have the misfortune to be going through a divorce.

Steps

Know how the law views your pet. In the USA (and many other jurisdictions), for the most part, the law views a pet as a chattel, or a piece of property. It’s a little cold to think of your cherished pet as property, but that is the way that the law views most animal custody cases. Pets are property, like a house or a car, and will be awarded to the property owner. As far as the basic tenets of the law are concerned, this will happen even if a pet and spouse have bonded really well but see the next step as for developments under the discretion of judges.
Put the welfare of the animal first. This is the most important thing to consider in any custody case. Think about who can best care for your pet. Some judges will award custody based on the best interests of the animal. Courts have even assigned visitation rights and in some cases, have even awarded pet support. There is a noticeable evolution of more judges looking at pets as if they were a child and determining what are the best interests of the dog or cat. See “Tips” for ways that you can provide sufficient evident to help the judge make a reasoned decision.
Take steps to look after your pet. There are some steps that you can take to protect the love of your life if the other love of your life doesn’t turn out:
- Include your pet in the pre-nuptial agreement, if you have one.
- If you are already in the middle of your divorce, your spouse can sign a separation agreement. Copies are available for download online, or ask your lawyer or legal welfare center.
Never use your pet as a bargaining chip. Again, think of the best interest of the animal, not your anger or distress. If you’re going through relationship problems, a pet can provide much needed emotional support. Just don’t let your pet get in the middle of your battles.

Video

Tips

In developing your evidence to show the judge that you are the better bet for taking care of your pet, consider doing the following:
- Ask the vet for information and a character reference
- Ask family, friends and neighbors for character references and ask them to include their observations of you interacting with your pet
- Ask for references from any pet services you use, such as dog grooming
- Present a list of bills from services that you have arranged for your pet to have during the marriage
- Create a photo collage of your relationship with your pet, with commentary on special events etc. It won’t be a clincher but it does demonstrate the care and love lavished on your pet during the time of your relationship.

Warnings

If there is any pet abuse in the home, this will be an appropriate issue to raise; however, the manner in which this is raised should be discussed thoroughly with your divorce lawyer – it will not bode well if you are casting aspersions on the character of your spouse that are unfounded or are a form of character assassination. Much documented proof will be required.

Things You’ll Need

Agreement with spouse either prior to marriage or during separation
Documented evidence of your close relationship with the pet and how the pet will suffer if separated from you
Ability to set aside your anger/distress and put the pet’s needs at the forefront
A good lawyer, mediator or counselor; even the vet might be able to help!

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

VideoJug A video of decision-making about pets during divorce; featuring Mitch Wilder, pet specialist. Original source of article. Shared with permission and appreciation.

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Decide Who Gets the Pet in a Divorce. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

How to Survive a Divorce

admin — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:50:44 +0000

How to Survive a Divorce

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Divorce can be difficult – but there are things you can do to make it less difficult that will give you the best chance to achieve the best possible solutions. Anger, hurt, sadness , confusion, frustration and resentment are very real, reasonable emotions during the divorce process. Staying stuck (or being dragged unwillingly back by the various unending circumstances of the day) in these emotions can completely weaken your reasoning and decision-making abilities. They can also rob you of your future happiness. Humor and laughter can increase your chances of divorce success.

Steps

Take care of yourself. You may have heard it before and not really followed through, thinking that this would involved a large time or money commitment (e.g. new exercise program, new diet, extra sleep, etc). But taking care of yourself can be simple — for instance, just laughing more will make you feel better Laughter will improve your mental, emotional, and physiological well-being.
Use your newfound well-being to have a wonderful evening with your children, or to keep your sanity and your peace while your spouse tries to rattle you, or to make a better divorce agreement decision, or to save an expensive call to your divorce lawyer just to vent. One thing is for sure – nothing bad will come of it.
Look for new activities to pursue. Are there hobbies that you enjoy or new activities that you would like to explore? It is a good time to get involved in something that distracts your mind from the difficult time you have been going through and gives you a sense of fulfillment and enjoyment. Another idea is to consider volunteering – helping others in need is often a good way to distract you from your own pain.

Tips

Go at your own pace. If your divorce is already Hell, and you can only handle one chuckle per week, start there. If your divorce process hasn’t begun yet, but your marriage has been Hell for a while, then maybe you might try 5 minutes of comedy a night.

Warnings

Your future-ex-spouse might get very upset by your light-heartedness. It will show them that you are moving on. The best way to attract great things into your life is to be in a good emotional space.

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Sources and Citations

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Survive a Divorce. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

How to Handle Divorce Anger

admin — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:48:11 +0000

How to Handle Divorce Anger

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Anger is a normal emotion in the healing process in any divorce, but it becomes destructive when turned into rage and vindictiveness. Here are a few ways to get it out!

Steps

Write it out. Often putting into words how you feel about the process, and your ex, is like taking a weight off your shoulders. It’s now spilling from your mind onto paper.
Shout it out. Take a drive deep into country and yell with all your might. It’s amazing how good you’ll feel.
Talk it out. At first, talking can be very theraputic. Speak to a trusted family member or friend. Constantly talking about your anger can be deconstructive so keep yourself in check.
Think about what it is that you are angry about and at whom? Being retrospective about the role you played in the relationship can help you remove some of the anger.
Choose your battles carefully and let the small stuff go. You are going through a lot; getting worked up about the small stuff will take the focus and energy off the big stuff.

Tips

If you think you need professional help, by all means get it.
Writing your anger out periodically can help clear your mind so you can enjoy the good stuff in life.
Find something to do just for yourself, everyday, that you know always makes you feel good- a walk, gardening, working out or playing cards with friends.

Warnings

Anger can build and become destructive if you don’t do something about it. So do something about it.

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

http://www.equalitymarriage.org

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Handle Divorce Anger. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Co Parent with an Uncooperative Ex Spouse

admin — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 10:01:13 +0000

How to Co Parent with an Uncooperative Ex Spouse

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Wouldn’t it be nice if adults could remember that co-parenting is not about them, and that it is about the children? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the pain of the broken personal relationships of the past could be kept separate from the practical parental concerns of the present. Wouldn’t it be nice… Yes, it would. But sometimes people aren’t nice. Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging and defeating. Yet, we are called to continue trying to pursue good, to “turn the other cheek”, and “walk the extra mile.” Hopefully the following tips can aid you in your efforts to cope—because it’s all about the children.

Steps

Be sure to notice your own part of the ongoing conflict. Any time you try to change a difficult ex-spouse you inadvertently invite hostility or a lack of cooperation in return. Learn to let go of what you can’t change so you don’t unknowingly keep the between home power struggles alive.
Step parents should communicate a “non-threatening” posture to the same-gender ex-spouse. An ex-wife, for example, may continue negativity because she is threatened by the presence of the new stepmother. It is helpful if the stepmother will communicate the following either by phone or email: “I just want you to know that I value your role with your children and I will never try to replace you. You are their mother and I’m not. I will support your decisions with the children, have them to your house on time, and never talk badly about you to the children. You have my word on that.” This helps to alleviate the need of the biological mother to bad-mouth the stepparent or the new marriage in order to keep her children’s loyalties.
Manage conversations by staying on matters of parenting. It is common for the conversations of “angry associate” co-parents to gravitate back toward negative personal matters of the past. Actively work to keep conversations focused on the children. If the conversation digresses to “old marital junk,” say something like, “I’d rather we discuss the schedule for this weekend. Where would you like to meet?” If the other continues to shift the conversation back to hurtful matters assertively say, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested in discussing us again. Let’s try this again later when we can focus on the weekend schedule.” Then, politely hang up the phone or walk away. Come back later and try again to stay on the parenting subject at hand.
Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. For your kids sake, find ways of being respectable even if you honestly can’t respect your ex-spouses lifestyle or choices. Do not personally criticize them, but don’t make excuses for their behavior either.
Keep your “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict. Face-to-face interaction has the most potential for conflict. Use the phone when possible or even talk to their answering machine if personal communication erupts into arguments. Use email or faxes when possible. Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it’s within your power.

Tips

Use a script to help you through negotiations. This strategy has helped thousands of parents. Before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts including what you’ll say and not say. Also, anticipate what the other might say that will hurt or anger you. Stick to the business at hand and don’t get hooked into old arguments that won’t be solved with another fight.
Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex-spouse is suggesting. This good business principle applies in parenting as well. Even if you disagree with the main point, find some common ground.
Wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex—and you—overreact with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive them for the offenses of the past (and present). This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with them in the present.

Warnings

When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them explore their hurt feelings. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones. Let God’s statutes offer any necessary indictments on a parent’s behavior.
Remember that for children, choosing sides stinks! Children don’t want to compare their parents or choose one over the other. They simply want your permission to love each of you. This is especially important when the two of you can’t get along.

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

http://www.myparentingportal.com

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Co Parent with an Uncooperative Ex Spouse. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.