Separation and Divorce Support » Shared Parenting

Your not my Dad – Read the problem and the solution

admin — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:54:04 +0000

The problem

Melissa, 42, and her son and daughter moved in with John last Christmas and as far as she was concerned it was all going well. John contacted me because, behind her back, the 15-year-old boy had been rude and aggressive towards him and had started to tell him: “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad!” Which was rich, 44-year-old John said, considering that the boy’s father showed no interest in them and was rarely in touch.

The bigger picture

That could be part of the problem, I told him. “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad” is a very common stepfamily issue and sometimes it is a heartfelt objection to someone trying to take the place of a missing parent. But it’s often not the challenge it appears to be. What it may really mean is “My family has broken up and I’m really cut up about it. I can’t tell my missing parent what I feel because that might make it worse. So I’m going to offload all my anger and pain on you.”

The solution

When Your Kid Has A Ball With Your Ex, Dont Top It Off With Guilt

admin — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 11:12:00 +0000

by Len Stauffenger

My daughters sometimes came home laughing and lighthearted after a weekend visit with their mom. I would listen to them cavorting, and while I was happy for them that they’d enjoyed their time with her, until after my therapy work, I used to fuss and cluck inside my own head about it. “Oh sure, go and have fun while I’m stuck here with laundry and house cleaning.” “She doesn’t have to make them toe the line for anything. All they do is have fun visiting her.” “I wish our times together were just fun and laughter, but no, I’m the one who has to make them get their homework done, or do the dishes after supper when they want to whine.”

I know, I know, it was a pity party and I had a small violin to accompany myself too. I know for a fact there were times when my own negative emotions seeped right out through my own mouth, but I know for the most part, I tried to keep them inside my own mind.

You may wonder why it’s not a good idea to indulge in that kind of thinking because you know you do it too? Well, I have several good reasons.

1) I needed to grow up. You probably do too. What possible good can come from laying this one all over your kids’ good time? Nothing. You just add guilt.

2) The kids were unaware of my situation and they didn’t need to be right at that moment. They would gain that insight soon enough, and right now was not a good time.

3) Kids deserve to have lighthearted, simple joy in their lives. They need to be “in the moment” and when the moment is filled with joy, well, why would you want to disturb that?

4) The reasons for the divorce had nothing to do with your children. Don’t lay your work off on to them. If you struggle with their joy, go get some help to restore the joy to your own life so you can have those joy-filled moments with them too. You deserve it as much as they do.

5) The maturity to keep your problems to yourself and not share them with your kids provides a life-long benefit to your children. They might assume those problems as theirs to solve, and you wouldn’t want to place that burden on them. You can confide in your friends if you need to sound it out, and that way your kids will grow up in due time without your bummer emotions.

About the Author

In his book “Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents,” Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len’s book and it’s accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

Equal parenting for divorced couples may be scrapped

admin — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 01:14:44 +0000

THE controversial and “distressing” equal-time parenting laws for divorced couples could be overhauled, the federal Attorney-General says.

Robert McClelland said some shared-parenting orders that followed relationship breakdowns were “clearly not appropriate and (were) causing extreme distress for children and their parents”. Is shared parenting harmful to children? Tell us Last month, The Courier-Mail highlighted the problems in a series of reports on the family law system.

“I’m very aware of media reports and research about the 2006 reforms,” Mr McClelland said. “In particular, I have read reports about the impact on children of some parenting orders favouring significant sharing of parenting time.

“I assure you that I appreciate the seriousness of all I am hearing … and that we will be mindful of these views when it comes to formulating new policies and making possible amendments to legislation.”

Mr McClelland made the remarks during a recent Women’s Legal Service family law forum in Brisbane.

He confirmed that the Australian Institute of Family Studies, a government statutory authority, had begun a “comprehensive empirical assessment” of how families were faring under the shared parenting regime.

The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act was introduced by the Howard government in 2006 to rectify perceived unfairness in custody orders and assuage concerns about the impact of absent fathers.

The changes direct trial judges and magistrates in the federal family law courts to “presume” that “equal shared parental responsibility” is in the best interests of children.

This means separating parents are legally bound to jointly attempt to make major decisions on their children’s welfare, such as those about health and education. Fifty-50 parenting time is not automatic.

But when shared responsibility is imposed (child abuse or family violence cancels the presumption), the courts are required to consider a further order that a child spend equal time with each of the parents.

In the Courier-Mail reports, Brisbane former Family Court Judge Tim Carmody, family lawyers, academics and child psychologists said the laws were emotionally damaging children, many of whom lived week-about between the homes of highly conflicted parents.

Equal parenting for divorced couples may be scrapped | The Courier-Mail